Women's Forum

There was several things that I  always admired in my life – science and virtue. My current attitude towards them remains uchanged. Because in spite of the fact that I am 37, I still did not achieve many of my goals... I felt an inclination towards science when I was a child. Before I started school I already knew some basic calculations and the alphabet. I was one of the most active pupils of our school. The teachers of all subjects insisted that I continue my education in their field. While participating in school competitions on history, I also took part in sports mini-olympics and military preparation contests. At the same time I graduated from music school with honors.

The time when I was finishing secondary school is associated in my mind with an “interesting” moment. Thanks to my exellent marks I expected to receive the gold medal but it never happened. The ultimate medalists avoided looking me in the eye. In the 90s this situation was unusual as most teachers were supporting the ideas of communism. During the period of an unsteady movement towards freedom and especially, after the incident of January 20th, the invisible tension between several teachers and pupils appeared in our school. One of those pupils was me.

I became a prime target in this conflict and was soon deprived of one of my top marks. This seemed like the greatest injustice but later on, I learned that this was just the beginning of further unfair treatments in society. In spite of the fact that I had a strong desire to continue my education, I did not have a chance to do so. We lived in the village and my parents could not afford to send me to study in Baku. Our family was quite big and it was difficult for my parents to give proper support to all of us.

News about my upcoming marriage was more than sudden. I grew up in a family with very conservative views, without the right to express my thoughts and my personal opinion. Soon after the wedding I became a mother. I stepped into the next part of my life, which turned to hell with the lapse of time. It was a difficult and endless path and each step was bitter and painful...

The family in which I was compelled to live consisted of people who were extremely withdrawn from science, education and social life. They stood apart from society. When my mother-in-law died, I had to take care of my husband and his father. My husband was uneducated. Having always lived under his mother’s support and care, he was not able to manage anything by himself. His only pride was the fact that he was the father to my daughter.

My father-in-law worked in trade and had good earnings. But we did not see his support because he spent all the money on entertainment. He did not care about the family or even his own basic need. We lived on what was provided by my parents. I came to this not through my own decisions. In order to satisfy the needs of two “men” and my little daughter, after seven months I left my baby at home and started to work.

A music school had opened in one of the settlements in our region. The school was urgently looking for a good teacher. I was very unsure when applying for the position because I did not have secondary or higher music education. Due to high demand and limited availability of teachers I was hired for the period of one year. My potential and ability to work were properly evaluated and I stayed in this school for many years. Through my work I was able to solve some financial issues and to being my integration in society. Every social event captured my attention. While discovering other dimensions of life I developed a deeper understanding of such problems as social and gender inequality and injustice.

I know there are hundreds and thousands of women like me. I had to fight for my life. My father-in-law became seriously ill and soon died. Shortly after I left my home without any idea how I will realize myself in Baku.  My old wishes and dreams came up again. I had such a strong need to prove who I am... It was obvious that nothing would come easily and I had to start everything from the scratch. There was a new page in my life but I did not know where and how to start.

I knocked on many doors in search of a job. “No” was not the worst answer I received. I had many problems I couldn’t previously imagine. Some employers did not pay the money they had promised; others pursued their own interests, etc. Financial problems and moral constraints brought me to a dead end. I could not stand it any longer. So many times I felt that there was no other choice than to pack my clothes and return to the village. But a voice inside me did not let me give up.

It was time for my daughter to go to school. Because of the problems and difficulties I faced, she started school two years late. I did everything I could and even sold homemade sweets. After some time the situation stabilized. Years passed, I graduated from university. I did my best to find my place in our society. The difficulties I experienced made me stronger and I keep fighting for my other goals. I worked on this every single day and I achieved more than I expected.

Questions such as “What to wear?”, “What to eat?”, and “What to drink?” are behind me. But there are always other outstanding questions. Thousands of Azerbaijani women experience these kinds of problems and look for ways to solve them. It is very important for me to move forward on my path. I am confident that there are other people in front and behind me who support my ideas.

Who am I? The answer to this question does not bother me any longer. Nazaket Hacieva. Teacher.