To Marry a Non-Virgin

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I want to start this article with a few definitions. A virgin is a person who has never had sex. A person who has already had sexual intercourse will be termed as a non-virgin. In earlier times, virginity was thought to be the desirable attribute of a person about to get married for the first time. However, for some reason nowadays a man’s virginity is not an issue at all, but a woman’s virginity is a concern in marriage especially among Azerbaijanis and others who are still inclined to harbor conservative views on this matter. In fact, when I asked a couple of male friends: “What comes to mind first when I say the word ‘virgin’?” the answer was “WOMAN”!

Who is considered to be a virgin? Ask any guy and he will readily tell you that a virgin woman is one whose hymen is still intact or one who experiences slight bleeding during her first sexual intercourse. Based on this notion, we can assume that a man’s barometer of virginity is the hymen. However the hymen is not the sole manifestation of virginity. Any woman is considered a virgin as long as she has not engaged in sexual activity. Some women will not experience bleeding during their first time because their hymen might have been ruptured in childhood. There are plenty of causes for this, such as accidents, biking, horseback-riding and other sports activities like gymnastics, karate and many others.

One common misconception among men is that if the woman’s hymen is already ruptured, she can no longer be considered a virgin. Or, when a woman doesn’t experience slight bleeding during her first sexual intercourse, she’s no longer a virgin and that she already had previous sexual experience(s). That is why those “holy wedding sheets” are needed to prove to the neighbors, the family of the groom and the relatives that the bride was a virgin. How ridiculous is that? Isn’t this issue too personal/ sensitive/absurd to be publicly disclosed? Isn’t it enough that the man who marries a woman sees that?

Double Standards

What is really ridiculous is that men may have as many affairs and one-night stands as they want, but when it comes down to marriage, they want a woman who is completely innocent, and untouched. Though they want to indulge in pre-marital sex, they won't accept a female who has indulged in sex before marriage as their wife. Over time, our society has progressed a lot. However, the concept of having a virgin wife hasn’t changed too much. Even today, there is a significant proportion of men, who would never agree to marry a woman who is not a virgin.

A couple of months ago, when I was in a youth program abroad, we were having a discussion on this issue when, one of the participants brought up a survey that they conducted among the youth on the issue of virginity in marriage in his country Pakistan. Apparently there were 150 adolescent male-respondents. And the question was: “If on the first night of your wedding, you find out that your new wife is not a virgin, what you would do? Are you going to leave her or stay? Why or why not?” And here’s what the result showed - 138 or 92% of the respondents said they would leave their wife because they expect her to be a virgin. Only 12 or 8% said they will stay and said that hopefully they will learn to accept the situation and 2 of the 8% insisted to ask their respective wives who devirginized them.

The Other Side

Though the chauvinism of guys is still out of control, there are some for whom marrying a non-virgin wife is not such a big issue. They do not hold a certain set of standards for themselves, while demanding a different one for their better half. Such guys accept the fact that having a past is no big deal, as long as you are faithful and loyal to your present partner. These men do not limit the basis of a relationship to merely the physical domain. Rather, they believe marriage to be the union of the soul as well as the mind. These guys exist which means, there is hope! I want to share with you the results of my own survey in support of this.

In fact, my own results were quite pleasing. In contrast to the research findings mentioned above, while interviewing my male friends about whether they would ever marry a non-virgin girl I got some positive answers! They would marry her no matter what! First, because you never know under what circumstances she lost her virginity. Maybe it is just because of her physical state. Second, they love her present not her past. To be honest, these results were pretty amazing and delightful for me…Just imagine that in a conservative Azerbaijani society there is a growing young generation which thinks like this! In fact, there was a close devoted Muslim friend of mine who is from Egypt and whose response to the issue was positive as well. He even showed me Quran phrases where God says women and men are equal when it comes to being a virgin. Another interesting take on the issue came from a western friend, who said that he wouldn't marry a virgin. His reasoning is that virgins (both men and women) in conservative societies are not likely to have been in serious relationships. This often means a lack of sexual confidence and emotional independence; two things that he considers to be important to maintaining a healthy relationship.

For me talking about sex life in Azerbaijan is a taboo like the mysterious pyramid stories that none is supposed to know or talk about in Egypt. We never discuss it. In middle school, when we have the anatomy class teachers normally skip the parts related to sex. So we skip the learning of a large part of body science. When you ask why, the response is that mentality issues interfere. Well I am not sure what the situation looks like now, but when I was in 9th grade (about 6 years ago) is was awful. We ignored the whole chapter on “human sexual organs”. Can you imagine? We don’t get sexual knowledge at school, no one teaches us either at home, or at university. I was lucky enough to take a class while studying in the US. But what about young people in Azerbaijan? This is where the pain starts, because girls and boys have no sex education.

In closed societies having issues like this is very normal. What is not normal is that, individuals forming this society never find the courage to bring these issues up for public discussion. You never see a talk show on this issue on TV, or a talk about breaking stereotypes, making men discuss their concerns, etc. You can hear debates or fights on everything, starting from somebody’s home design to family problems. Our people are brave enough to interfere in the personal lives of others, but talking about issues such as marrying a virgin or non-virgin is considered to be against our mentality or culture. Even though I could never understand the logic behind this, I still hope that one day Azerbaijani society will be ready to openly discuss these issues and Azerbaijani men will be able to air their thoughts. And one beautiful day our men will be able to judge a woman not by the state of her hymen but on her personality.